worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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