There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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