farters have to be the big spoon...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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