my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
