Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
