So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
