Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
