the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
