The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
