I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
