Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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