i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
