I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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