i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Shame - the story of my life.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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