I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
