She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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