no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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