you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
