i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
