I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
