The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
