He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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