Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
