I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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