All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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