I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
