3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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