I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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