Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
