margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
