I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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