Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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