textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
