and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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