just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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