mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
