The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
