Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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