I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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