I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
