his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
