Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
