So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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