I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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