I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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