and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
