Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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