I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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