Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
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Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.