Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.