It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.