Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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