Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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