If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
