you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
