Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
