I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
