I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
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She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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