If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
