So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
